working on a shutterfly album

 I'm trying to organize pictures of many of the things I've made during my life up to now.  I've been able to get back to the 1980's.  

To find them I go through my shutterfly account.  I even had scanned some photos from old plastic photo albums and put those on shutterfly.  Then amazon prime started automatically storing the photos that I took on my phone. 

This is a major undertaking.  But being a maker is an integral part of who I am. 

I want to leave something of myself behind.  I'm sure my family won't want to keep all the things I've made.  But, I think and hope that they would keep my book of photos.  

Sorting through the photos entails visiting past moments in my life.  Times with my kids and grandkids were happy and pleasant to relive. Some photos include my boys' father.  There were very few moments that I can remember of happy times with Ken.  He was a closed up type of person and didn’t often talk to me. When Andy, my oldest was born I was so happy to have a companion.  I loved being a Mom.  But, after his birth, Ken found reasons to be away.  I don't think he was ready to be a father and he never really warmed up to Andy.  He was much different with our second baby, Kevin.  His current relationships with our sons continues that way.

We had a nice 20th wedding anniversary in 1993.  He took me to a romantic restaurant and gave me 20 red roses. That was the year that Andy turned 14 and his terrible teens began. It was a very painful period for me.  A friend told me that I was suffering from depression and she recommended that I see a therapist.  The doctor prescribed mega doses of prozac.  I returned to my former outgoing self but I also ballooned from a size 6 to a size 18 in just a few months.  This combined change in me led to Ken leaving our bedroom.  Sometime in 1994 Ken announced he was going to move out.  Another friend suggested that I speak to a lawyer for advice.  I didn’t want to divorce Ken but I knew that we had started on that path. I worried about being able to afford to continue living in our house.  My lawyer said it would be okay if I were the one to move out.  Ken complained that the apartments that I was looking at were too expensive.  That angered me.  He spent loads of money on his extramarital activities, golf, clothing etc.  I wanted a nice place for me and the kids.  I signed the divorce papers soon after.  We were divorced in late 1996.  I was still living in our shared home when Kevin started high school.

 I was pretty happy being single.  Kevin stayed with me half the time.  The other with his dad.  Andy was 17 and chose to stay with his father. My life had totally changed but I still had my family.

In December of 1997 I met Jim, my second husband.  He was warm, witty and so kind to me.  He wasn’t embarrassed by my handicap. We became the best of friends and married in August 2000.  In 2003 my Mom came to live with us.  It was wonderful to live with two people I loved and who loved me.  Those photos are bittersweet. There was one cute photo of Mom, Jim and I smiling together.  I was always happy to come home from work to be with my family. 

We had 2 years happily dating and 12 years of  marriage together.  Our lives changed in an instant. The day before Thanksgiving 2010 Jim fell injuring his spinal cord and becoming quadriplegic.  Lucky for Jim I was home and immediately called 911.  I knew he couldn't move but I didn't realize his injury was so traumatic.  We spent the night in the ER.  The trauma surgeon came the next morning and told me he had a spinal cord injury.  I was totally shocked.  Jim had surgery that night and was admitted to ICU. The surgery helped limit the extent of his injury.  I stayed at his side as much as the hospital would let me.  I found someone to stay at home with my Mom.

I don't know how long he was in ICU and then in the ward at the first hospital.  We did move to the paralysis hospital by Christmas.  I think he spent 6 weeks there, then 3 months at a nursing home and back in the hospital for around 3 more weeks.  Of course I stayed at this side as much as possible. The actual times are probbably in my late 2010 and 2011 blog posts,

Since I was away from home so much Mom had to have someone with her in the daytime.  This meant I couldn't take her out to lunch, visiting and shopping anymore. She just stayed at home and became dependent on the caregivers for everything.  I think this really contributed to the worsening of her dementia.  I had asked my brother to take Mom in but he adamantly refused.

My son Kevin was living in Japan.  My son Andy had a demanding girlfriend that kept him away from me.  I was on my own.  It was extremely difficult for me.  I could feel depression coming on and I sought out a therapist.  Jim actually seemed to enjoy most of his time in the hospital and nursing home.  He had round the clock care and different therapies and various activities.  

He missed that when he came back home.  His personality had changed.  He wanted my constant attention. He became moody and angry.  He obsessed about his body hair and wanted it waxed. He refused to wear clothes - even in front of my mother.  He said there was nothing wrong with being naked.  But, when a friend from work came to visit, he insisted on being dressed.

I did the bulk of the caregiving and hired help for both he and Mom when I was at work. Mom got worse and Jim became angrier. Jim decided he was in love with one of his caregivers.  She was young and knew very little English.  She was supposed to take care of him and Mom and keep up with the housework.  She stopped doing the housework.  I spoke to Jim about it. He defended her and said her duties were just taking care of him.

He thought the problems at home were caused by my depression.  I was actually getting help for depression.  Jim insisted that he was fine and happy because he didn’t have to go to work. I decided to check his credit card statement.  There were charges for restaurants and shopping.  He was entertaining the young caregiver.  I told him that it had to stop and that he had to fire her.

I put a recording device in open view in the kitchen and was able to hear what he said to her when he told her to stop coming.  I heard how he had already proposed to her and given her a ring.  He wanted her, not me, despite my willingness to  take care of him for life. 

I told him that we needed marriage counseling.  We went to his former therapist whose office was about 45 minutes away.  She told me to give it 3 months.  I agreed.  After  several sessions she asked Jim how he felt about me.  He looked at me and announced that he didn't love me, didn't even like me and wasn't sorry for what he did.

That was the final marriage counseling session I went to. Our marriage was over.  I had given it my best shot.  Caring for him was a huge chore.  I won't list all it entailed.  Just lifting a 40 pound wheelchair in and out of the trunk was killing my back.  I didn't have 2 knees to help with the lifting.

 I filed for divorce .  I was worried how Jim would live but he had made his choice.  I then learned that the caregiver was living with her boyfriend and was pregnant.  She didn't plan on marrying Jim.  She thought I would leave and she could move into my house.  But I was the sole owner of the house. That must have been huge disappointment for her.

It took Jim a long time to find housing with doors wide enough for his electric wheelchair and big enough for his hospital bed.  I let him stay with me for a month after I filed for divorce.

I went to the courthouse alone to finalize the divorce. I emailed him once afterwards to ask him a house maintenance question.  His answer was that the house was mine, not his, so go figure it out.

A few months later I had to meet with him at the bank to endorse our tax return check.  His new wife brought him.  She was an old girlfriend that he tracked down through facebook.  She had just divorced also.  She flew in to visit him.  He immediately proposed and they married soon after. I guess they are still together.

I've never seen him again since that time at the bank.  

I feel the need to write.

It's been 5 years since my case against Trimet was settled.  From the accident in 2017 until the settlement in 2020 my lawyer advised me to stop blogging.

By then I was out of the habit of journaling.

Today is Christmas, 2025 and I'm alone.  I feel okay but I miss family time.

It was either 1994 or 1995 that we were altogether for the last time on Christmas morning.  I knew it would be our last family Christmas together.  Ken had moved out of our shared bedroom.  Then he announced that he was going to move out and get an apartment.

I was feeling disheartened but I was happy we were altogether that day- Andy, Kevin, me, Ken and my parents.

It takes both partners to make a marriage.  I tried.  We went to marriage counseling.  That counselor fired us because Ken said he was not willing to try and fix it.

We later went to another therapist - John, the Lifeway counselor.  That didn't last long. Ken stated that there was nothing wrong with him.  He left the session slamming the office door so hard that things fell off the wall.

I continue sessions with John.  I needed guidance.

I started taking computer classes to get ready to get a job. I took a class on investing in the stock market, I didn't know our family finances but I knew Ken made a lot of money.  

I engaged a lawyer for advice.  I asked if it was okay if I was the one to move out.  She said yes.  I started looking at apartments.  In the meantime Ken continued to sleep upstairs.  He complained that the apartments I was looking at were too expensive.  That angered me.  He was the one looking to separate but he complained about the cost.

The next day I went to the lawyer's office and signed the divorce papers. 

My lawyer advised me to gather our financial info.  I found the file that showed where I had paid the down payment on our first home.  I used the money that I gotten in the car accident settlement.  I took it to the lawyer.  I had planned on putting it back in the file cabinet.  She said that he didn't need it and she kept it.

On her advice, I took out all the financial papers that I could find.  At 1 AM I took the papers to a copy center.  I copied them all crying the whole time.  I knew Ken didn't know where I was and he wouldn't care that I was out alone late at night.  I felt so alone.

The following evening I served the divorce papers to Ken.  He laughed.

What happened to me just after I moved to Portland

(I finally am free to write to the media and government representatives about the experience that I write about in the next paragraphs.  My lawsuit with State Farm ended in March 2020. 

I got my freedom to write just in time for the advent of Covid 19.  I don't think the media or government representatives will care about my experience with the bus company unitl long after the virus is finally conquered.  But, at least now I have the freedom to write in my blog.)

In 1994 I vacationed in Seattle and Portland.  I fell in love with Portland and dreamed of moving there one day.

When my youngest son was looking for employment he searched in Portland because I told him how vibrant and beautiful the city is.

In 2015 he and his family moved to Portland.  My husband and I had divorced so nothing was holding me back in Houston TX.

I retired from a job I loved, sold my large house, gave away or sold most of my belongings and moved to Portland. I was looking forward to helping take of my 2 young grandchildren and involving myself in Portland’s rich art community.

I moved into a small apartment on May 19, 2017 with my cat and dog. Around 6 PM on May 22 I took my dog for a short walk outside.  I looked both ways as I crossed the street.  I was about a third of the way into the crosswalk when I heard a noise.  A large bus was bearing down on me.  It hit me throwing me onto the pavement.  I suffered a major concussion and a shattered right femur.

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and had surgery the next day.  Then I spent 5 weeks in a rehabilitation center.  When I healed enough to walk with a walker, Medicare decided I should be released.  I knew that living alone would be dangerous for me.  Besides, my apartment wasn’t for someone with a handicap.  Medicare had not given me enough time to apply for assisted living so I moved into a senior apartment complex that provided meals and cleaning service.  Plus there was nursing assistance business and physical therapy office in the building.  I paid a high premium to live there.  After 4 months there I bought a home near my son.

18 months later I had to have another surgery - a bone graft.  I stayed 3 more weeks in a rehabilitation center.

The police had given the bus driving a ticket for reckless driving.  The Drivers’ Union fought the ticket in court.  Since The Portland police officer failed to show up for court, the ticket was dismissed.

Trimet was obviously at fault for my injures.  They had a video that showed the driver running 2 stops before he ran the third one where I was in the street.

They had a moral obligation to pay me a settlement for my injuries that resulted in my being permanently handicapped.  Instead of going ahead and fulfilling their obligation I had to hire an attorney and file suit against them.

At times I was followed by their private detective.  I couldn’t email my friends, write on my blog, or post on facebook.  Everything I said was open to Trimet.  If I did email a friend, they would inevitably ask me how I was doing.  If I said I was doing better, Trimet would interpret that as my total recovery.

So for over 2 years I did not write online.  It took Trimet that long to give me a settlement.  I had to turn over all my medical records - even those before the accident.  On August 13, 2019. the deposition with my lawyer, Trimet’s lawyer, a recording clerk, videographer and the bus driver took place   During the bus driver’s deposition I learned that he had rear ended a truck the week before he hit me.  One of his passengers went to the hospital by ambulance.  Trimet took no action against him.  In fact, even after he hit me he was not fired.  Trimet allowed him to keep his employment record clean by allowing him quit with the provision that he not talk or write about the bus company..

After Trimet’s lawyer presented the details of the deposition to Trimet, I was awarded the most that Trimet legally has to pay - less than $700,000.  A third of that went to my lawyer, another third to my insurance companies for paying my accident related bills.  That does not leave much compensation for a permanent disability.

I’m writing  because I believe that Trimet does not train their drivers adequately.  Nor do they have enough performance checks.  The tort bill limits their liability so they do not fear retribution for their inadequacies.

Also, Trimet seems to be immune to traffic laws.  The driver who hit me ended up with a clean driving record.  Police officers should be instructed that they MUST show up in traffic court to insure that their tickets are upheld.

Now that I have lived in Portland for over 3 years I have witnessed many incidents of buses running stop signs, traffic lights, cutting off other traffic.  I believe that buses need to follow the same traffic laws as other vehicles. Drivers should be trained that all traffic laws must be obeyed.  If that had been done, I would have avoided all the pain and anguish that the accident caused me.

 This is a personal journal entry.

I lost a friend this week.  We would hang out about once a week.  We went to the coast one day, Sauvie Island another day.  We made lunch for each other.  We had plans this week to go to the OMSI museum.  I was looking forward to it.  And he wanted to come over and watch Borat's second movie.

No, he didn't die.  He said he wanted to "take a break."  He gave no reason for this.  At first I thought it was all about me.  I thought I had said or done something wrong.  Then I realized that the last time I saw him he told me to arrange for the museum's tickets.  It can't be about me.  Most likely another woman has come into his life - either a new person or an old girlfriend.

Last Thursday he told me he was tired and congested.  I checked in on him by text on Friday.  He didn't respond.  I tried Saturday.  I texted once and then called and left a message.  My family comes for dinner on Sundays.  I was worried that maybe he had the virus and that I had been exposed.

I texted him again telling him that I needed to know if it was necessary for me to isolate from my family.

He responded to this text.  He said he was okay and that he would email me on Sunday.  That was kind of weird because he likes to talk on the phone.

On Saturday night I made meatballs and sauce for the family dinner.  I made enough for him and I to have for lunch later,  Sunday morning I got the "take a break" email.  I responded that I was disappointed and could he give me a reason.  It would be nice if he would respond but he hasn't.  That makes it doubtful that I will see him again.

He was a very sweet person, kind and caring.  I had really enjoyed his company.  He never approached me physically.  That was okay with me, though I do enjoy more closeness.  Friendship is very important to me.

It's been difficult for me to find a companion since I've been in Portland.  I think I wrote about the woman friend that I had.  We had lots in common, went shopping, lunch, plays, some sewing together.  She basically dumped me.  She wouldn't say why.  Finally after a month or so, I took her aside at a sewing meeting and asked her why she was mad at me.  She said she wasn't mad, just tired of hearing about the bus accident.  I guess that makes sense considering the timing.  She dumped me on the same day that I found out that I would need bone graft surgery.  I guess we were really never friends if she would do that to me.

Last year I met a nice man.  We dated for a few months.  Then I didn't hear from him.  Finally after he told me that he had gone back to an old girlfriend.

When I look at men's profiles on line I feel undesirable.  The men here all want to camp and hike.  I wish I could do those things.  I can't ride a bike, take long walks, squat in a forest, etc. It's beautiful in Oregon.  I enjoy the nature here in a more limited way.

Even though my chances seem slim I joined an online dating site this week.  Maybe one day I will find a significant other or at least a pleasant companion.

October 10, 2020: It feels weird.

 Today when I was walking Sweetsie in the neighborhood I said hello to some neighbors.  They were a young couple working together in their yard.  It hit me again how strange it feels to not be part of a couple.  It was never in my plans.  I guess I thought I might be a widow someday.  But that was in the future, not now.

I've joined the league of older single women.  It's a big club.  But, it feels weird to be a member of it.  Jim used to talk about growing old together.  Maybe if he hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't be thinking of it now.

There are a lot of positives to living alone.  I can buy whatever I want for my house without consulting anyone,  watch whatever I want on TV, listen or not listen to any music, go to bed when I feel like it, etc.  But, I'm not sure I'll ever grow used to it.  Or maybe I already have -  I just bought a new car.  I researched different models, chose one and bought it.  

It is wonderful to be independent.  It just continues to feel weird.

                                                      September 15, 2020:  Double Trouble 

                                                                VIRUS AND SMOKE!

For the first time since I was a kid in Rochester, NY I have a little garden.  I watered it everyday.  I'd sit on my porch enjoying my flowers and waving to passersby.  It made staying at home during the pandemic more bearable.

But now, it seems like Portland's beautiful summer and fall have abruptly ended.  Last week wind storms started.  It was like a hurricane without the rain.  The huge pine trees bent in half as the wind roared through.  The winds encouraged forest fires.  

Now the air is very still and filled with thick smoke.  Sweetsie and I can't sit on the front porch or go for walks.  Poor Sweetsie keeps bugging me to walk her.  It's actually so bad here that even opening the door to let her outside is difficult.  The smoke and burning smell is so strong.  My flowers are suffering without my attention.

We are lucky here that we just have the smoke and not the fires.

It's dark in the mornings.  My cat, Stella is letting me sleep later.  As I write I'm sitting under my daylight lamp.  Otherwise I'd probably stay up late into the night and sleep until the afternoon.  I want to keep my circadian rhythm normal.

My hobbies keep me motivated to get up and moving every day.  My mother always thought that my sewing was a strange hobby.  But, it certainly is helpful now.

I finally learned how to use my sewing machine's walking foot.  It's easy and really helps with sewing knits.  I'm working on getting a t-shirt to fit me.  I have a small frame and big bust.  Finding a nice fit in ready-to-wear is difficult.  I've already made one using a Pamela Pattern.  It isn't quite right so I've tweaked the pattern and cut out another shirt.  I plan on finishing the shirt today.  I'm using a different knit fabric so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this one turns out better.

My timing isn't always very good (eg. using the crosswalk when a bus is being driven by an inept, irresponsible driver).  However, when it turned out that I had to get my heat pump moved because of my home remodel, I decided to have a Halo unit installed.  https://www.rgf.com/products/air/reme-halo/

I was thinking that it would be a good thing to have because of the pandemic.  It cleans the air with ultraviolet light killing viruses, bacteria and filtering the air from dust, smoke, etc.  So I'm a lucky one in Portland now.  My house doesn't smell smoky!

September 10, 2020: My house remodel, Part 2

 Guess I got out of the habit of blogging.  3 years of not being able to express myself in writing has changed me.  I think about what I'd like to say but that's as far as it goes.  I'm going to attempt to do better.  It's healthy - makes me feel connected and chases negative thoughts away.

My House Remodeling Part 2

BEFORE: The front of my house:

AFTER:

I have enjoyed my new front porch so much!  Sweetsie loves sitting out there with me. 

I even planted a little garden in front of the porch.  Fuschia are in containers on the porch rails.

I had my front door painted in dark pink last year.  This year I decided that the garage door should match.

People who walk by compliment me on my pretty house!

The driveway used to be full of broken concrete.  I had a new larger driveway poured.  An addition of a basketball hoop over the garage gives Kenny his own practice court.