May 29, 2011: I'm not strong enough.

Dr Berliner wants us to have an all day pass in the hospital. Jim agrees with him. That means that I'm supposed to stay with Jim all day and night and handle his care all by myself. The staff is only available for emergencies. The doctor said it was very important that we have a trial run. I was going to try and do it tomorrow, Monday.

Yesterday I practiced getting Jim out of bed into his wheelchair. Then I practiced getting him moved from his power chair to his wheelchair. After that I worked on getting him back into bed. I tried to change him into his night clothes.

This morning I woke with a terrible back ache. I am not able to do Jim's care by myself. He'd have to stay in bed all day. I'd only be able to help him with his urinal and medication.

Jim tells me not to worry about it. That if I can't do it, I can't do it.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be trained by his therapists on transferring him from place to place. I have to be there at 9 AM. I didn't try moving him today so I could rest my back and save it for tomorrow.

The nurses have asked me if I have family around to help me. I told them all I have is my 90 year old mother. Some of the other patients, especially the Hispanics, have lots of family members visiting and helping out. I am very envious of them.

We will have to be hiring people to help with Jim's care. It's going to be very costly very soon.

I feel like I'm the only wife that TIRR has ever seen that can't do all the care by herself. They certainly act that way. It's better this time around than the first time. Then the therapists kept telling me to stretch Jim's arms and legs, do this, lift this. And I did it and I got hurt. This time I have a doctor's letter telling them that I can't lift more than 20 pounds. So, they've been taking it easier on me.

Nonetheless, Jim is being sent back home next Thursday, June 2nd. We will be left to fend for ourselves. Luckily I have Lupita. She has helped me so much. Today she massaged my aching back. She prepared the dining room for Jim to use when he returns home. He needs a special bed and lots of room for his commode, wheelchairs and just space to work around him while he's in bed.

I would really love to have Jim back home. But he isn't strong enough to do his own transfers and I'm not strong enough to help him.

I guess we'll live through his return home and all the problems that it will cause. I wish I could say that I'm looking forward to it.