August 4, 2013

Yesterday was Mama's birthday.  Andy and I met up at the private care home, Bedford Place, where Mom resides.  She was happy to see us.  I don't think she realized it was her birthday.  She was amazed that she was now 92 years old.

I definitely understand her amazement.  Everyday I wonder "how the hell did I get so old?"

Coincidently, last month, I bought tickets for the Tamarie Cooper Show for 8/3/2013.  The show was about growing old.  Tamarie thought she was old at 42!  I thought I was old when I was 42, also.  I think it is probably a universal thought for people who are "lucky" enough to grow old.

Tamarie writes these semi-autobiographical plays every year or so and the plays are performed at the Catastrophic Theater.  I wonder if she will look back at her current production in 20 years and think about how she wasn't really old in 2013.

I don't like to admit my age.  Most days I don't feel old.  Lately, I feel young!

In 1969 I was in a car accident that shattered my left kneecap.  It was surgically removed which gave my leg an immediate 30% loss of strength and mobility.  That disability became worse as I grew older and chubbier.  In 2010 I had a knee replacement in that leg.  The doctor advised against trying to give me a new kneecap so I still have a disability.

I had a few months of physical therapy which stopped when my (ex) husband had his terrible accident.

I have been free now to pursue further rehabilitation. My ex decided to destroy our marriage and the divorce was final in February.  I have been doing rehab on my own.  Since then I have learned to walk without the security of my cane and I forced myself to learn how to go down a flight of stairs like a "normal" person.

For the first time in many years my leg no longer aches.  I feel great!  So, why can't I reverse my age?

Other days I feel really old.  How can I be so old and divorced again?  The only sensible answer is "shit happens."

I can only hope that "shit" stops happening to me.  I try not to think about the future and live in the present.  That is not always possible.  I realize that what happened in my life in the past 3 years was lightyears beyond my imagination.  So what else could be in store for me?

That causes my depression to make another appearance.  I have been battling depression for years, all my life maybe.  I'm strong and resilient.  I can say that because I am still alive and actually doing quite well.  I am extremely grateful for the antidepressants that contribute to my strength to fight.  I'm not sure I would have survived these past few years without them.

It's weird.  When I started this post I was planning to write about how much fun I had with my friend, Lupita last night.  We went to the play.  I got kind of lost driving home.  We just laughed when I finally acknowledged that the compass in my car was correct and I was wrong.  I thought I was going south towards home, even though the compass said we were going north.  I made a u-turn and drove down Shepherd.  All that driving around made us hungry.  We stopped at the 59 Diner and ate salads and fried mushrooms and laughed.

Life is good.

Mom on her 92nd birthday

me at the theater

Lupita at the 59 Diner