From my experience I can say as time goes by I occasionally feel that I've put my personal tragedy in the past. Last weekend I was happily enjoying San Antonio and I felt like I'd reached a milestone in recovery. Then the memories came whipping right back around and slapped me in the face.
The tragedy has shaped the last 5 1/2 years of my life. Only 4 1/2 more years and it will be 10 years - the length of time that I was happily married. It only seems fair that by then I should be done with it.
No more "I'm NOT sorry for what I did" ringing in my ears. That cruel betrayal on top of the horrific accident still seems unsurmountable to me right now.
I have gotten over the sounds and images from TIRR hospital. It was a living nightmare being there. Then I'd come home and be aware of my mother's mind fading away. I have succeeded in mellowing out those images,and it gives me hope. I thought I would never stop reliving the daily horrors of seeing my husband in his pitiable condition at TIRR.
Now when I think of my past life, I remember lots of the good times we had together. I remember the feeling of oneness with another person. But, these nice memories come with the associated painful ones. I remember the intense dislike and anger from the person I was once closest to.
As I write this I can see how I've progressed. I truly believe that I will get past this tragedy. It will always be an important part of the person that I have become. I have been working hard on my recovery. One day it will be just that - a part of me; not the definition of me.
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