November 24, 2016

It's the sixth anniversary of the day my life was forever changed.  My husband of 10 years fainted in the bathroom and became instantly and permanently paralyzed.  I've already written about what the 2 of us went through during the months that followed.

I was aware that life as I had known it was over.  I've recovered from the shock of his accident and I've even gotten over the shock of his later behavior.

But, I'm still mourning the loss of how my life used to be.  I was married to my best friend.  My mother lived with us.  I was never lonely.  Of course we had our ups and downs but overall we were happy.

Now I miss the  lifestyle.  We had a good relationship.  We took short trips frequently, played cards with friends, had real conversations, faced life's problems together.  I had hoped I could have a similar life again.  It's been 6 years and I have been trying to rebuild my life.

I guess I'm lucky that I had those happy 10 years.  I still hope to make a happy life for myself.  I've learned that I have to be independent.  I enjoyed sharing the responsibility of home ownership with my husband.  It's difficult to do alone.

I'm ready to give up owning a home.  It's so expensive and I worry about flooding, property taxes, roof leaks, etc. etc.  My plan is to move to an independent senior living apartment in Portland, Oregon.  My rent will cover a 2 bedroom apartment, 2 meals per day, covered parking, maid service and some entertainment.  I will have to give up some privacy, a roomy house and 2 of my cats.  But, I will be in a group environment and no longer alone.  My son, daughter-in-law and 2 grandchildren will only be 6 miles away from my apartment.

The other residents are mostly 10 - 20 years older than me.  But the years go by quickly and I'll be the OLD one soon enough.

In my senior years I hope to more fully explore my hobbies, especially doll making, do more exercise, explore the Northwest, go on an Alaskan cruise, travel and spend lots of time with my grandchildren.  I would also enjoy a part time job so I will be part of mainstream society.

The future looks promising.

March 6, 2016: do tragedies get better?

I went to see a tragic play tonight - The Rabbit Hole.  A family is mourning the death of their 4 year old son.  The mother asks "do tragedies get better?"

From my experience I can say as time goes by I occasionally feel that I've put my personal tragedy in the past.  Last weekend I was happily enjoying San Antonio and I felt like I'd reached a milestone in recovery.  Then the memories came whipping right back around and slapped me in the face.

The tragedy has shaped the last 5 1/2 years of my life.  Only 4 1/2 more years and it will be 10 years - the length of time that I was happily married.  It only seems fair that by then I should be done with it.

No more "I'm NOT sorry for what I did" ringing in my ears.  That cruel betrayal on top of the horrific accident still seems unsurmountable to me right now.

I have gotten over the sounds and images from TIRR hospital.  It was a living nightmare being there. Then I'd come home and be aware of my mother's mind fading away.  I have succeeded in mellowing out those images,and it gives me hope.  I thought I would never stop reliving the daily horrors of seeing my husband in his pitiable condition at TIRR.

Now when I think of my past life, I remember lots of the good times we had together.  I remember the feeling of oneness with another person.  But, these nice memories come with the associated painful ones.  I remember the intense dislike and anger from the person I was once closest to.

As I write this I can see how I've progressed.  I truly believe that I will get past this tragedy.  It will always be an important part of the person that I have become.  I have been working hard on my recovery.  One day it will be just that - a part of me; not the definition of me.

December 30, 2015: The End and The Beginning

I think the hardest thing about losing someone is the loss of shared memories.  Some very good moments in my life happened with my husband who passed me by.  Remembering those times have been painful for me.  But, I now am taking personal ownership of those memories.

Yes, he was there but much more importantly, I was there!  I went on that trip to Rome. I bought the house I live in;  moved in, decorated and worked on it.  I escaped Hurricane Ike by going to Forth Worth.   I went on the cruise around Hawaii, the trips to Seattle, Victoria Island.  I OWN these memories.

It has been over 5 years now since my husband passed.  That's long enough.  I am now the sole owner of the memories of the life we shared.

I really miss my mother.  I lost her also.  She didn't choose to leave me and our shared moments behind.  Those memories feel different to me.  Remembering our times together make me feel wistful.

I long ago took ownership of any shared memories with my first husband.  It was difficult in the beginning.  We had 2 children together.  How could he abandon this life we had shared?  It took a few years but I took the sole possession of those memories.  I don't feel sad when I think of our years together.

Time really does heal our wounds.  It is a quickly disappearing commodity.  I don't intend to squander the time I have left.

A new year, 2016, is closing in- another time begins.

August 14, 2014: Mom

Sunday, August 3, my mother would have been 93 years old.  The following Monday, August 4, we buried her ashes.

Poor Mama.  I thought she'd make it to 100.  She wasn't ready to die.  I saw her 2 days before her death on June 3rd and she looked and acted pretty good.

The autopsy report finally has been completed.  It stated that her death was a result of complications from the accident that broke her leg.  It happened on February 7th. Below is a copy of the email that I received from Linda, the manager at Bedford Place.  The caregivers involved were Holly and a young guy, Mark. Mark went to the hospital with Mom on the day of her scheduled surgery.  (The anesthesiologist canceled the surgery because a blood test showed that she had low thyroid levels.)  Mark accompanied Mom again to an appointment with Dr Harger.  He spent the time playing with his phone and sniffling.  I told him to get some tissues for himself.  He did not seem well trained at all.  I didn't want to pursue any legal action before because Mom was happy at Bedford.  A move would have been traumatic to her.

Now, however, I am trying to find a good lawyer to see about filing suit against the home.  The 2 staff admittedly caused the accident.  The home's website states they take care of dementia patients.  So, I think I have a valid case  Below I have inserted the email from the manager and a page from their current website.  The whole web page wouldn't fit into the space on the blog so a bit is missing from the right side.  But, you can read enough to get the idea or you can go to the link:  http://www.bedfordresidence.com/#!amenities/cee5

Linda Papa <linda1@bedfordresidence.com>	Feb 8
to me

good morning

\

this is to inform you that your mom has  had an accident yesterday , she has bruise on her right leg, redness and swelling.

Per caregiver they reported that when they were transferring her from wheelchair to bed not knowing that her right leg was not in  proper place and they grabbed her/help her to be transferred to her bed.

We informed Dr Capocyan and advise to have x-ray

We received last night the x-ray result and found out that there was a  fracture

in the right distal tibia with mild displacement.

Today, we are going to send her to ER at Hermann Memorial SOuthwes

Bedford

RESIDENCES

SENIOR

Home

About Us

Amenities

Lifestyle

Contact Us

 A Division of LMP Develoment, LLC

Amenities

A smaller yet more personalized setting reminding our residents of "home".  We can accomodate most every need in a more intimate setting.  We offer Private and Semi-Private room accomodations with a home-like kitchen, communal dining and living quarters that encourage the residents to interact with other residents, guests and employees.

Accommodations

Seniors offer a variety of care challenges which our staff have experience and training in caring for.  Our Facility Director leads the team of Care Givers in meeting the individualized needs of our residents  including medical, dietary, social, and dailiy living skills. 

We provide 24 hour staffing with clinical support from our Registered Nurse and a variety of other health care professionals that we contract with for rehabilitative, preventative, and on-going care needs.  We also help coordinate medical appointments and treatment with community professionals and services.

​

Our Staff

  Those Special Needs

We offer Assisted Living services but can also provide Respite, Hospice, and Dementia related care.

Up until they broke Mom's leg I think they were doing a pretty good job with Mom.  She was a handful but the staff gave her lots of personal attention.

If anyone reading this post knows of a good lawyer for this type of case, please send me the name in a comment to this post.  It will be delivered right to my email.

June 21, 2014

I put together a website with some of my Mom's photos.  If you're interested, check it out at https://evelyncalabria.shutterfly.com/.  There is a way for all members of the site to add their own photos and memories.

I am doing much better emotionally.  After all I had been mourning the loss of my mother since the dementia took her away a few years ago.  We had many happy years before that.

It is amazing to me that words have so much power.  In my last post I wrote that I was a widow.  Just writing "widow" lifted some weight off my heart.  I had to look at lots of photos to make Mom's website.  Many of them included Jim, my departed husband.

Now I can look at his photos and remember some happy moments in my life.  I don't get those daggers of regret:  "how could this have happened?" and "how could he have done this to me?"  I don't want to forget the years between 1998 and 2010 when I was happily partnered with him. Before it was so painful.  Those years are only memories now, not heartaches.

The "man" existing now, Jim Carpenter, is just a shadow of the man I had been married to.  Just a shade, a ghost.  Like any ghost I hope not to encounter it ever again.

June 7, 2014: Alone

March 2014 with Mom at Bedford Home

I feel so alone now that Mom is gone.  She has really been gone for several years.  Senile dementia took her from me bit by bit over the last few years.  Mom was mostly content the last 2 years she was living at Bedford Personal Care Home.  She enjoyed being taken care of constantly.  She was actually quite demanding of the staff.  Her favorite was yelling "help, help, help."  That would disturb the other residents and their visitors so she would get the attention she desired.

Once when I was visiting she yelled "help, murder, police."  She had changed up her demands with scarier words.  It didn't matter if I was sitting right next to her.  I'd ask her what she wanted and she'd say "nothing."  She just wanted a staff member to come in and check on her.

I had been looking forward to Mom coming to live with me after Dad died.  I even bought a single story home (which are not very common in Houston) with her in mind.  She moved in with me in September 2003.  Initially she wanted to live in her own apartment.  She didn't want to spend the money to move to a senior living facility.  Then I broke my wrist and Mom took over cooking and taking care of the house. Since she wouldn't go to a place that I considered safe I kept her living with me.

We had several good years together.  Mom, my ex and I were a happy family.  After my ex fell in November, 2010, I had to hire caregivers to be with Mom since I was him whenever possible.  She became used to constant care.  When the ex returned home, it was very difficult to handle 2 invalids.

In December 2011 Mom's legs became so swollen that they were seeping liquid.  She would slip and fall and I'd have to call the paramedics to get her up.  I called 3 times in one week.  The doctor had said to keep her legs raised.  She would not do it.  I even put her in a recliner and locked it so her legs would stay up.  Somehow she shimmied off the chair and broke it.    The doctor told me to take her to the emergency room.  She was admitted and given diuretics and kept on bed rest.  Her legs got so much better.

The hospital social worker advised me that it would be a better transition for her to be moved to a nursing facility directly from the hospital since  I could no longer handle her at home.  So, in January 2012 she moved in to Bedford Place.
Mom's moving out contributed to the end of my marriage, which I wrote about in a May post.  The man I had married was gone.

So, now I am an orphan and a widow.  I work hard at staying positive and upbeat.  Unfortunately, I keep waiting for the second shoe to drop.  Sometimes it's hell having a good imagination.

June 4, 2014: My Mom has passed away.

I was waiting until after I spoke to my relatives before I said anything to my friends on Facebook.  My mother died suddenly yesterday afternoon.  She ate lunch as always and laid down for a nap.  Then she had trouble breathing.  Her vital signs were still strong.  The home called for an ambulance and then called me.  I can't be sure if she passed away in the ambulance or immediately after she got to the hospital.  The ER nurse said that her heart failed.

My friend, Bert is helping me with the arrangements.  Mom's body will be cremated and I will take the cremains to Rochester around the end of July.  Then I will have her remains buried next to my father's.

May 28, 2014: Quick Recap

Last weekend I met up with a couple of friends who had moved out of Houston.  After talking to them I realized that pieces of my story had been missing in my posts.  So, here is a quick recap:

August 2000 - November 2010:  I am happily married.

November 2010:  my (then) husband fell and became paralyzed.  I found him and called the ambulance - saving his life.

November 2010 through January  2011:  He is at TIRR hospital.  He convinced the hospital psychologist that he was not depressed.  No help was offered to me at TIRR even though I obviously was an emotional wreck.  I found my own therapist.

January - June, 2011:  He is at a nursing home and then TIRR again.  I visited him daily and made sure that he was given the best possible care.

June - January, 2012:  He returns home.  I arranged caregivers for Mom and ex to come in the mornings and stay on the days that I was at work.  The ex was very demanding.  I paid for a private physical therapist to come in and work with him at home.

January, 2012:  Mom went to the hospital for severely swollen legs.  I then placed her in a personal care home.  She needed more help than I could give her at home.  (Plus, I also had a quadriplegic in the house.)

January - August, 2012:  The ex let go of all caregivers except the young Mexican girl. He became more demanding and distant.

August 2012:  The ex proposes marriage to his young caregiver and gives her an engagement ring.  I discover this and take him back to TIRR for further testing.  They could not discover any brain damage.

August - December, 2012:  We fire the young caregiver and find out that she was pregnant and living with her boyfriend.  She had no intention of marrying my husband.
I drive us to marriage counseling every week to his preferred therapist who was located in Friendswood.

December 5, 2012:  In marriage counseling my ex announces "I don't love you, I don't even like you and I'm not sorry for what I did." 

December 6, 2012:  I call a lawyer.

December 12, 2012: I officially file for divorce.

January 14, 2013:  The ex finally finds a place to live and moves out of my house.  I live alone for the first time in my life.

February 12, 2013:  The divorce is final.

2013-present:  I am happily living alone.  My whole house is my closet!  I am even dating. My life is simple and uncluttered.

I could update you some on the ex's new life but who cares?  The man I once loved and married died bit by bit sometime between November 2010 and December 2012.  It was a slow and painful end but it is all over now.

March 14, 2014: Mom Update

My mother was supposed to have surgery to repair her broken leg on March 12, 2014.  I met her and one of Bedford's aides, Mark at Memorial Hermann Southwest Hospital at 5:30 AM.

We were put into a pre-op room around 6 AM by one of their CNA's.  He told Mom to get undressed and get on the hospital bed.  I told him that we would need help lifting Mom onto the bed because she couldn't put weight on her foot.  Then he disappeared.

An RN came in later.  She spoke a kind of baby talk to Mom, like people do to little kids.  I told her we needed help getting Mom into the bed.  She took some vitals and brought that first male CNA back into the room to help.  He and Mark got Mom into the bed.  The nurse took off Mom's top and put her into a hospital gown.  Mark left and said he had to go to work.


Another nurse came to put in an IV.  I told him that Mom would be difficult to stick, especially since she had not drunk anything in 12 hours.  He tried and ended up getting a bunch of blood but couldn't get the IV in.  They used the blood for her blood tests.

The surgeon, Dr Harvin came in and spoke to Mom.  Then in came the anesthesiologist.  His assistant tried to put an IV into Mom, too.

Dr Harvin came back in later and said that he couldn't operate because Mom's thyroid levels were too low.  The anesthesiologist said it would be dangerous to give her anesthesia for a long time with these low levels.

My cell phone couldn't get a signal so I had to use one of the hospital phones to call Bedford's managers.  I got to Linda in time and she sent Mark back in.  His taxi had not come yet.

Dr Harvin returned and said he would cast Mom in the hospital, in an operating room.  They were going to give her some gas so they could get the IV into her.

When she went into the operating room I left for work - around 8:30 AM.  The doctor called and said she did fine.  He was able to rotate her leg a bit to get the bone back into a better alignment.  She is supposed to go see him again in 2 weeks.  Mark took her back to Bedford in a wheelchair taxi.

I went over to check on Mom around 4 PM.  The cast is huge.  It goes over her knee.

Her sole has dead skin on it (see the black in the photo).  It's covered by the cast so it will just get worse. 

The doctor may decide to try surgery again after he checks how her bone is healing.

This has been a major ordeal for all of us.  Mom has to stay in a reclining wheelchair during the day.  Bedford is trying to get Medicare to approve an air bed for her to help prevent bedsores.

I have the burden of trying to determine what is best for her since I hold her medical power of attorney.

February 28, 2014: Mom update

Mom looked pretty good today.

I went to check on Mama today at the Bedford home.  A physical therapist was working with her.  She was being fairly cooperative with him.  Her left leg is getting scratched from the splint on her right leg.  I got Linda, the manager, to wrap it up with an ace bandage.

Next Tuesday she is going to the doctor and probably getting a cast put on.  At least they chose a doctor in Houston this time, instead of Richmond.  If I can get the time off, I'll meet her at the doctor's office.  She has to go in an ambulance or a special taxi to transport her and her special wheelchair.

My cousin Rick Pauza and his friend Roseanne Palacios are coming in tomorrow to visit Mama.  She is looking forward to their visit.  So, am I.  I was away last time they came into Houston.

Mom in her special wheelchair with the physical therapist.

February 11, 2014

Mom was discharged from the hospital this afternoon.  Her leg is in a splint.  Bedford Place plans to keep Mom in a reclining wheelchair during the daytime.  That way she can be with other people.

I have attached the photo I took today of Mom's new room at Bedford.  She has a roommate now - Virginia.  She is much happier because she is not alone in the room.  The room is large and has its own bathroom.

This is the photo that I took of her Mom this evening.  She was very happy to be back at Bedford Place.

February 10, 2014: looks like another eventful year

I was in bed all day Saturday, 2/8/2014 trying to recover from an upper respiratory infection.  When a cold gets into my lungs I become very sick.

My cell phone was on vibrate because I had been at the doctor's office the day before.  I happened to pick it up on Saturday evening and then I found that I had received 4 texts from Mom's personal care home.  Mom had been brought into Oakbend Hospital because she had 2 broken bones in her lower left leg.

This is the email that I received from Linda Papas, the supervising nurse at Bedford Place:

Linda Papa	Feb 8 (2 days ago)
to me

good morning

\

this is to inform you that your mom has  had an accident yesterday , she has bruise on her right leg, redness and swelling.

Per caregiver they reported that when they were transferring her from wheelchair to bed not knowing that her right leg was not in  proper place and they grabbed her/help her to be transferred to her bed.

We informed Dr Capocyan and advise to have x-ray

We received last night the x-ray result and found out that there was a  fracture

in the right distal tibia with mild displacement.

Today, we are going to send her to ER at Hermann Memorial SOuthwest.

Linda Papa	Feb 8 (2 days ago)
to me

sorry its not Hermann memorial  its oak bend hospital

I spent Sunday at the hospital with Mom waiting to speak to the surgeon, Michael Maier.  He never came in.  Mom was on morphine and pretty confused.
This morning I made some calls and got in touch with Dr Maier's assistant, Abel.  He said that the doctor did not want to perform surgery - just splint the leg, then put on a cast followed by a boot.
 Dr Capocyan who admitted Mom is the one associated with the Bedford home.  He lives out in Richmond - over an hour from here so he put her in a Richmond hospital.  He will probably discharge her tomorrow or Wednesday.
I stayed home today trying to get well enough to go to the office tomorrow.  If I would stop wheezing all night I could get some good sleep and get well.
I'm not sure what the process is to get Mom from the hospital - if the home orders the ambulance or I have to arrange it.  I want to do what is best for Mom.  It is very frustrating trying to get clear information.

I have been extremely fortunate to have Bert in my life.  First he was helping me recuperate - even making me chicken soup.  Then he spent Sunday at the hospital with me.  He is a true friend.