November 24, 2016

It's the sixth anniversary of the day my life was forever changed.  My husband of 10 years fainted in the bathroom and became instantly and permanently paralyzed.  I've already written about what the 2 of us went through during the months that followed.

I was aware that life as I had known it was over.  I've recovered from the shock of his accident and I've even gotten over the shock of his later behavior.

But, I'm still mourning the loss of how my life used to be.  I was married to my best friend.  My mother lived with us.  I was never lonely.  Of course we had our ups and downs but overall we were happy.

Now I miss the  lifestyle.  We had a good relationship.  We took short trips frequently, played cards with friends, had real conversations, faced life's problems together.  I had hoped I could have a similar life again.  It's been 6 years and I have been trying to rebuild my life.

I guess I'm lucky that I had those happy 10 years.  I still hope to make a happy life for myself.  I've learned that I have to be independent.  I enjoyed sharing the responsibility of home ownership with my husband.  It's difficult to do alone.

I'm ready to give up owning a home.  It's so expensive and I worry about flooding, property taxes, roof leaks, etc. etc.  My plan is to move to an independent senior living apartment in Portland, Oregon.  My rent will cover a 2 bedroom apartment, 2 meals per day, covered parking, maid service and some entertainment.  I will have to give up some privacy, a roomy house and 2 of my cats.  But, I will be in a group environment and no longer alone.  My son, daughter-in-law and 2 grandchildren will only be 6 miles away from my apartment.

The other residents are mostly 10 - 20 years older than me.  But the years go by quickly and I'll be the OLD one soon enough.

In my senior years I hope to more fully explore my hobbies, especially doll making, do more exercise, explore the Northwest, go on an Alaskan cruise, travel and spend lots of time with my grandchildren.  I would also enjoy a part time job so I will be part of mainstream society.

The future looks promising.

June 21, 2014

I put together a website with some of my Mom's photos.  If you're interested, check it out at https://evelyncalabria.shutterfly.com/.  There is a way for all members of the site to add their own photos and memories.

I am doing much better emotionally.  After all I had been mourning the loss of my mother since the dementia took her away a few years ago.  We had many happy years before that.

It is amazing to me that words have so much power.  In my last post I wrote that I was a widow.  Just writing "widow" lifted some weight off my heart.  I had to look at lots of photos to make Mom's website.  Many of them included Jim, my departed husband.

Now I can look at his photos and remember some happy moments in my life.  I don't get those daggers of regret:  "how could this have happened?" and "how could he have done this to me?"  I don't want to forget the years between 1998 and 2010 when I was happily partnered with him. Before it was so painful.  Those years are only memories now, not heartaches.

The "man" existing now, Jim Carpenter, is just a shadow of the man I had been married to.  Just a shade, a ghost.  Like any ghost I hope not to encounter it ever again.

March 31, 2014

It's still cool here in Houston.  Wonderful weather right now!  It's been a colder than normal winter.  I can only hope we will have a cooler than normal summer - right, dream on!

On Saturday morning my friend, Bert and I went to the Near Town Little League parade.  Bert was one of the founders of this league.  Looking at all those little boys made me nostalgic for the days when my sons played little league.  I can only hope that Kevin will move back to the US and I can watch my grandson Kenny play ball.  Or, Andy could find someone and make me some grandchildren that live here in Houston.

I was freezing Saturday morning as a cool wind whipped around the ball field.  In the afternoon I was sweating at the doggy event in Bellaire.  I took my beautiful pink poodle to this event.  We collected some freebies, had our photo made and met lots of doggies.  So many silly people ask me if Sweetsie is naturally pink.  A photographer from the Houston Chronicle took our photo.  So, watch the papers for our  picture!

December 24, 2013: Christmas Eve

This Christmas is much easier than last year.  I was still married last year at this time but in the process of divorce.

I let "he who does not deserve a name" stay in my house until January 14, 2013.  I filed for divorce on December 12, 2012.

I don't even remember last year's Christmas eve.  Tonight my friend, Bert is coming over and he will make a seafood dinner.  When we are alone together we have a good time. We enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow Andy will make brunch.  My friends, Jimmy, Lupita and Woodie are coming over, too. They are like family to me.  We've celebrated holidays together for years now.

Jimmy was my ex' friend originally.  As the years passed I grew closer to Jimmy and his wife, Lupita. In the last couple of years my ex did not only reject me but also his friends.  If I were a psychologist, I would say that Jim was projecting his feelings of self-loathing on those closest to him.

I am lucky.  My self-esteem is growing.  I regret all the years I spent with men who did not love me. But, at least, I am capable of loving.  Despite all the beating down from these men, I am resilient.  It has taken work.  I have been working with a therapist for the last couple of years.  She has the training and experience from years of helping people.  I listen and learn from her.

I am looking forward to a new year untainted by an unhappy marriage.

August 26, 2013: Walking - again!

Walking is definitely my favorite form of exercise.  Back in my college days I would walk the loop around the campus of SUNY Albany.  That was back in the olden days before walking and jogging became popular.  I'd be pretty much alone the whole time - no other walkers.  Drivers always wanted to give me a ride - of course, I was pretty cute back then.

I've walked between 1 and 2 miles three times in the last 5 days.  I am ecstatic!  It has been years since I could indulge myself.

First, I had the left knee problem - no cartilage, but I kept walking.  The torn achilles tendon finally did me in.  I had that repaired in 2010 along with a knee replacement.  All I had to do was wait until I healed and I'd be able to walk again.  Then 2 toes on my right foot decided to buckle under - I couldn't wear anything but sandals.

I would have just walked in sandals but then the ex' accident happened in November 2010.  My only walking was up and down the hospital hallways.

Now I'm free- AT LAST!  I had my toes fixed in May 2013.  They are all healed and I bought a pair of walking shoes.

It was raining earlier this morning so I thought I would have to just use my indoor bicycle.  Then I saw on the news that it was in the 70's.  I couldn't pass up the opportunity to walk in relatively cool weather (for Houston).

My varicose veins are still acting up but I think the walking will settle them down soon.  Yesterday I spoke to my brother.  He has the same problem.  He had a vascular ultrasound last week, too.  This is old hat to me.  But, John isn't familiar with the vein thing.  Mine started when I was pregnant with my second baby.  Mostly they don't bother me at all - just look ugly.  My brother is a professional golfer.  He exercises all the time.  I guess I'm lucky that my problem isn't worse since I'm female, pleasantly plump and was relatively sedentary for the last few years.

HURRAY FOR ME!!!!

July 26, 2013: Hawaiian posts and photos will be coming soon.

I arrived back home yesterday at about 11 AM.  I had asked United for handicapped seating.  The trip going was very comfortable.  But, coming home I was stuck in a very cramped economy seat.  I did get up and walk around several times and did leg exercises.  But, despite that, I'm stuck with phlebitis in my left leg.

I couldn't even get out of the seat until the stewardess came over and unlocked my aisle armrest.  I tried to get up and fell back down on the seat, spilling my water bottle.  Luckily I brought a change of clothes on board.  If the armrest would not have been able to be raised (all of them are not), could a really bad blood clot develop?  It's very possible.

I guess I'll have to shell out more money for economy plus from now on.  My life is worth it.

I noticed that my leg hurt when I was at the office this morning.  So, at least I'm catching it at an early stage.  That's a problem with high pain tolerance.  Sometimes I don't notice that something is wrong until it gets really bad.

As a result, I am stuck sitting with my legs raised all weekend.  I hate it!  At least I did all my laundry and put stuff away yesterday afternoon.  I do need to do some housecleaning.  But, it will wait.

I plan on uploading all my vacation photos and blogging about my trip.  I had a great time.  My grandson must be the cutest smartest baby boy in the world!  And that's my very impartial grandma opinion ;)  Here's one photo to start:

December 13, 2012

I wish I could have stayed in Japan with Kevin and his family.  I felt loved and appreciated there.  I hope to return for cherry blossom season.  Pink, pink, everywhere!

Bull-riding!

Jim and I got into the action in Fort Worth Stockyards and did some bull-riding.

Fort Worth

Jim and I went to the Stockyards when we were staying in Fort Worth. It's quite the tourist attraction. Twice a day cowboys drive some longhorns down the street. The streets look old time-y Western and there are some cute shops.

Family is great!

Rosemary is the daughter of my father's sister, Lucy. My dad had 6 sisters and 1 brother. Aunt Lucy was the closest to my family. She and Uncle Joe came over frequently to play pinochle. Rosemary was already an adult by the time I was born.

She has 2 children, Cyndi and Tommy. I knew them as I was growing up but we didn't get together very often.

Cyndi got married after I had already moved to Houston. She and her husband, Larry moved to Fort Worth. Her mother and brother soon followed and made their homes in Fort Worth, also.

When I was growing up, there were lots of Calabria family parties, weddings, funerals, etc. I missed all these gatherings after I moved to Houston. It's so nice to have family close by (relatively speaking-for Texas) again.

Rosemary welcomed us into her home during the Hurricane Rita evacuation in 2005 and again in 2008 for Hurricane Ike.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Rosemary!!!!!