Thursday, August 27, 2015

August 27, 2015

Today there is an article in the newspaper about the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  It seemed like it happened a year or two ago to me.  Another part of aging, I guess- time speeds up.

It coincided with the first day that my ex was allowed to leave the county.  That's a long story in itself that I'm not ready to tell yet.

We packed up Mom, Sizzle and Beansie, Nickie and drove to Fort Worth to stay with my cousin, Rosemary.  I have many pleasant memories of our time staying with Rosemary.  It was nice to reconnect with family.

It seems so strange now.  I spoke to Rosemary on the phone a couple of months ago.  I'm still and always will be connected to her.  She's family. 

The person that I was so close to, who seemed a part of me - my ex - is no longer connected to me at all and never will be again.  He was my closest friend.

This proves to me that the saying "blood is thicker than water" is true.  Too bad it took me decades to understand that.  Understanding so many things comes with age.

I wouldn't want to go back in time.  But, I'd love to feel younger physically. 

Life is still scary to me.  I know that anything can happen at any moment and it's totally out of my control.  I think that is why depressed people commit suicide.  They are aware of our human limitations on deciding our own fates. At least they can control when they die.

I'm not depressed these days.  I have a good life now.  I have many wonderful memories of my old life.  If I didn't think so damned much, I wouldn't think about things like aging, time flying, family vs friends. 

I keep busy with my job, spending time with Bert, working on my creative projects.  I'm lucky.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

August 5, 2015

I was not going to blog about the meaning of today's date.  But, I just ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a few years.  He asked how I was doing.  He didn't know about my divorce or the events leading to it.  So, now that I'm thinking about it, I might as well write down a few of my thoughts.  (I always enjoy going back to my posts and reading what I was doing in the past.)

Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.  If the man I had married was still alive, we would have celebrated big time.  On our 10th I was still recovering from knee replacement surgery so we only went out to dinner.  We were hoping to travel on our 11th in 2011.  But, by then, only a shadow of my husband remained.

He slipped away bit by bit.  I understand.  Who wouldn't change after such a horrible injury?

By our 12th anniversary he had already secretly proposed to another woman, given her a ring and money but remained married to me.  The man I married 15 years ago would not have done such a treacherous thing. 

I will always love the man I married fifteen years ago.  That man is dead.

I never want to see the man I had to divorce in 2013 again.


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

July 7, 2015: the meaning of growing old

Since Mom died I have felt old.  Before there was always someone close to me who was older.  Now I'm the grandma and matron.

As I look back on my life, it seems like it was a long series of losses.  As I grow older, the losses are getting closer and closer together.  I have had friends die or get very sick, children grow up and leave, pets die.  The worse losses were when my husband had his accident and subsequently abandoned me.  Then Mom died.

Today I heard that Mom's youngest brother, Mil died.

Old age has gotten more difficult for people in recent years.  Now we watch our parents dwindle in abilities and die - a foreshadowing of our own future.  Before people did not live so long.  My parents didn't have to watch their parents grow feeble and sickly before they died.  Their parents died at younger ages.

People did not have to watch their friends suffer through chemotherapy or heart bypass surgeries.

I'm not sure that medicine has done us humans a favor by prolonging our lives.  Human beings were not made to live so long.  Our parts fall apart bit by bit through accidents, arthritis, illness,  cancers, etc. No one wants to die young but perhaps it is really the better way to end up.

Maybe I'm just suffering another bout of depression.  I know my "good" years are dwindling quickly.  There are still so many places that I'd like to go and things I'd like to do.  But physically I'm declining and may not be able to live my dreams.  I wonder whether I should just quit working and travel while I still am able.  Or should I just settle down and be content with what I have.

What possible difference will it make if I take a trip to Istanbul or Charleston or Alaska?  I will make memories and those memories will die with me.

I have a pretty good life.  I have a man who loves me, a job that I enjoy, lots of hobbies that I excel at, own a home, have no debts.  Most of the world's people would envy me.

Earlier today I looked at some photos of my former life.  I thought I had become strong enough to face the memories.  I looked at photos taken when Jim, Mom and I lived together.  We were happy and I appreciated it at the time.  Those times were snatched away from me so quickly in November 2010.  I had no time to prepare.  I will never celebrate another birthday with Mom or another anniversary with my husband.  Those days are gone forever.  How can I not mourn?  Does the mourning ever end?

Thursday, April 2, 2015

April 2, 2015

Happy Easter! I made a pair of mini felt bunny ears for my boss and me. Then I had to make several more pairs out of paper for people in the office today.
The idea for these came from: http://holloughby.blogspot.co.uk/…/sewing-tuesday-easter-bu…

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

March 10, 2015

I used to wonder over and over why my ex-husband betrayed me so horribly.  He had some serious problems before we met.   My therapist said that Jim lost his way again after his accident.  That I had been his moral compass.

A friend of mine who is a psychologist finally gave me a theory that made some sense to me.  I had told him how happy Jim had seemed in the hospital and the nursing home. In the hospital and nursing home he received lots of attention - from nurses, doctors, physical and occupational therapists, plus he interacted with the other patients. And I was there with him many hours each day also.

Once he returned home he was faced with the reality of his situation.  I continued to go to work, care for the house, do the shopping, etc. as before.  He was at home except when he went to rehab.  Even my mother was doing more than he could- walking around with her walker, reading.

I was saddened by the change in our lives but I was getting help with a therapist.  Jim used to tell me that our problems were my depression.  He was just fine, mentally, according to him.

My friend said Jim was exhibiting depression as he came to terms with his new lifestyle.  He needed help with every little thing.  His depression led him to find someone to blame (me) and turn to the new people in his life - his daytime caretakers, especially the young Mexican girl, Claudia.  She was happily taking care of him while she was getting paid.  I found out that she used to be a stripper and a hooker.  I don't know whether she told Jim about her past or not.  Somehow she tuned in to Jim's past sex addiction problems.  She manipulated him and he was a very willing victim.  Eventually he gave her an engagement ring and thousands of dollars.

People that I meet now and hear some of my story seem to assume that our marriage had been unhappy before the accident.  That isn't true.  We both were very happy.  As the paramedics carried Jim out on a stretcher in November 2010, he told me that the last ten years had been the happiest years of his life.  He was afraid he would die before I got to the hospital to be with him.

Now my years of being with Jim seem kind of surreal.  I run across a picture of us together.  We were smiling and doing things together.  I can remember the time when the photo was taken but it seems like it was during a whole different lifetime.

This has been a giant leap forward for me.  The pain is getting much less.  Of course, the passage of time has been a great help.  But, my friend's advice gave me the biggest boost.  It makes sense with what happened.

The events were unimaginable and horrific.  They made me fully aware of my powerlessness.  I can make some life choices according to what happens to and around me.  I do not consider myself so self important to think that the things that happen to me happen for a reason.  The world has and will continue to go on without me in it.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

February 12, 2015: D-Day x 2

Two years ago today my divorce became final.  Life is good.

The pain from my ex' betrayal is still with me but it's easing.  It really sucked to lose my husband twice.  First, he fell and became quadriplegic.  Then he "fell in love" with Claudia, his young caregiver.   Even after he broke up with her and I forgave him, he announced "I don't love you.  I don't even like you and I'm not sorry for what I did" at a marriage counseling session. That was our final counseling session.  The next day I met with my divorce attorney.

I remember the date, 2/12/2013 because it was exactly 60 days, the shortest legal time, after I filed for divorce.  I filed on 12/12/2012.  It's funny.  Jim thought that 12/12/12 was a special day because of the number repetition.  He thought everybody should do something memorable on that day.  I filed on 12/12/12 because it was the earliest possible date after our final counseling session.

I don't remember when the divorce from my first marriage was final.  That was a very painful time, too.  Now I rarely even think of those years.  I have high hopes that 2011 and 2012 will fade away, too. 

Being so severely hurt twice is enough.  I don't want to get married again.  Ex#2 used to talk about how we would grow old together.  Obviously, marriage does not give you that guarantee. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

December 16, 2014

I just finished reading over my blog entries in December 2011, 2012 and 2013.  I really have gotten better!

I look forward to going home after work.  I enjoy my weekends and days off.

I was tearing up reading those old entries.  Even if they had been written by someone else, they would have made me cry.  What a sad life that person was living!

Life is a lot different for me now.  I try to be as independent as possible.  I fear depending too much on someone else.  Maybe that will change some day.

Christmas is not such a major event anymore.  I did put up my little pink trees and did some decorating.  I've invited Bert and his son (& girlfriend) for Christmas brunch, Lupita and Jimmy, Woodie.  Andy has promised to cook for us.

In 2009 we were all together for the holidays - including Kevin!  We had a big Christmas that year.  Andy went overboard with his cooking.  It was a real family Christmas.

This Christmas 2014 promises to be the best I've had since the old days.  I still have my friends, Jimmy and Lupita.  Andy is coming.  My good friend Bert will be with me.  It will be fun.

I'm looking forward to the holiday break from work.  I'd like to do some sewing for myself since the gift making is done.

 I'm going to bake cookies.  Biscotti are everyone's favorite.

The last few years have been a struggle.  I think the hardest days are over now.  I'm a survivor.