Tuesday, December 24, 2013

December 24, 2013: Christmas Eve

This Christmas is much easier than last year.  I was still married last year at this time but in the process of divorce.

I let "he who does not deserve a name" stay in my house until January 14, 2013.  I filed for divorce on December 12, 2012.

I don't even remember last year's Christmas eve.  Tonight my friend, Bert is coming over and he will make a seafood dinner.  When we are alone together we have a good time. We enjoy each other's company.

Tomorrow Andy will make brunch.  My friends, Jimmy, Lupita and Woodie are coming over, too. They are like family to me.  We've celebrated holidays together for years now.

Jimmy was my ex' friend originally.  As the years passed I grew closer to Jimmy and his wife, Lupita. In the last couple of years my ex did not only reject me but also his friends.  If I were a psychologist, I would say that Jim was projecting his feelings of self-loathing on those closest to him.

I am lucky.  My self-esteem is growing.  I regret all the years I spent with men who did not love me. But, at least, I am capable of loving.  Despite all the beating down from these men, I am resilient.  It has taken work.  I have been working with a therapist for the last couple of years.  She has the training and experience from years of helping people.  I listen and learn from her.

I am looking forward to a new year untainted by an unhappy marriage.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

December 8, 2013

My friend Lupita and I went to Fredericksburg this weekend.  We watched their little night time Christmas parade while freezing in the 20 degree temperature.

The town is very cute.  Yes, it's a touristy place but that is probably what makes it so cute.  The trees in the market square were all lit up.  There were even some lights that flickered to make it look like snow was falling.

On Saturday we went shopping.  I rented a doggie stroller from the store, Dogtopia.  It was a bargain for $10/day.  Sweetsie has grown and she is too heavy to carry for very long.  When she walks on a leash everyone wants us to stop so they can pet her.  She got nervous with so many people and did better while she was protected in the stroller.  All the stores allowed her to go inside.  I guess restaurants have to restrict dogs for legal reasons.  We left Sweetsie in the hotel room so we could eat dinner.  She was not happy about that.

All the lights and decorations got me in the holiday spirit at home.  This is the first time that I've decorated alone.  The decorations are pretty much just for my own enjoyment.

It's another bittersweet experience.  I miss being with family.  I long for the happier times of the past. But then, this year is SO much better than last year.  Last year my now ex-husband was still living in my house.  I filed for divorce on December 12, 2012 but I allowed him to stay until he could find a place to live.

December 2011 was very sad, too.  My ex had come home from the hospital and we (or at least I was) were trying to adjust to our new life with him being an invalid.  It was a very stressful time.

December 2010 was the worse year ever (so far).  My ex was terribly injured and in the hospital.  Anguish best describes my feelings back then.

For the first time in months I have tears in my eyes.  This is a positive statement.  I've worked at it and I've become comfortable with my new life.  So much so that I am usually very happy and I no longer mourn all that was lost in the past.

My experiences have led me to a greater empathy with people.  I think now of the losses of others:  the pain of losing a child,  being suddenly left alone because one's friends and family have passed away, becoming suddenly ill or knowing that this Christmas will be their last.

I'm not lingering over these sad thoughts.  Writing them down helps me deal with them.  I appreciate anyone who reads this and makes a comment.

I've heard from people from all over the world since I started writing this blog.  It is a wonderful experience to connect with someone who shares their feelings about what I've written.