This is a personal journal entry.

I lost a friend this week.  We would hang out about once a week.  We went to the coast one day, Sauvie Island another day.  We made lunch for each other.  We had plans this week to go to the OMSI museum.  I was looking forward to it.  And he wanted to come over and watch Borat's second movie.

No, he didn't die.  He said he wanted to "take a break."  He gave no reason for this.  At first I thought it was all about me.  I thought I had said or done something wrong.  Then I realized that the last time I saw him he told me to arrange for the museum's tickets.  It can't be about me.  Most likely another woman has come into his life - either a new person or an old girlfriend.

Last Thursday he told me he was tired and congested.  I checked in on him by text on Friday.  He didn't respond.  I tried Saturday.  I texted once and then called and left a message.  My family comes for dinner on Sundays.  I was worried that maybe he had the virus and that I had been exposed.

I texted him again telling him that I needed to know if it was necessary for me to isolate from my family.

He responded to this text.  He said he was okay and that he would email me on Sunday.  That was kind of weird because he likes to talk on the phone.

On Saturday night I made meatballs and sauce for the family dinner.  I made enough for him and I to have for lunch later,  Sunday morning I got the "take a break" email.  I responded that I was disappointed and could he give me a reason.  It would be nice if he would respond but he hasn't.  That makes it doubtful that I will see him again.

He was a very sweet person, kind and caring.  I had really enjoyed his company.  He never approached me physically.  That was okay with me, though I do enjoy more closeness.  Friendship is very important to me.

It's been difficult for me to find a companion since I've been in Portland.  I think I wrote about the woman friend that I had.  We had lots in common, went shopping, lunch, plays, some sewing together.  She basically dumped me.  She wouldn't say why.  Finally after a month or so, I took her aside at a sewing meeting and asked her why she was mad at me.  She said she wasn't mad, just tired of hearing about the bus accident.  I guess that makes sense considering the timing.  She dumped me on the same day that I found out that I would need bone graft surgery.  I guess we were really never friends if she would do that to me.

Last year I met a nice man.  We dated for a few months.  Then I didn't hear from him.  Finally after he told me that he had gone back to an old girlfriend.

When I look at men's profiles on line I feel undesirable.  The men here all want to camp and hike.  I wish I could do those things.  I can't ride a bike, take long walks, squat in a forest, etc. It's beautiful in Oregon.  I enjoy the nature here in a more limited way.

Even though my chances seem slim I joined an online dating site this week.  Maybe one day I will find a significant other or at least a pleasant companion.

October 10, 2020: It feels weird.

 Today when I was walking Sweetsie in the neighborhood I said hello to some neighbors.  They were a young couple working together in their yard.  It hit me again how strange it feels to not be part of a couple.  It was never in my plans.  I guess I thought I might be a widow someday.  But that was in the future, not now.

I've joined the league of older single women.  It's a big club.  But, it feels weird to be a member of it.  Jim used to talk about growing old together.  Maybe if he hadn't mentioned it, I wouldn't be thinking of it now.

There are a lot of positives to living alone.  I can buy whatever I want for my house without consulting anyone,  watch whatever I want on TV, listen or not listen to any music, go to bed when I feel like it, etc.  But, I'm not sure I'll ever grow used to it.  Or maybe I already have -  I just bought a new car.  I researched different models, chose one and bought it.  

It is wonderful to be independent.  It just continues to feel weird.

                                                      September 15, 2020:  Double Trouble 

                                                                VIRUS AND SMOKE!

2020/09/13: Sweetsie on a walk with dog walker. Today it's too smoky for him to take her.

For the first time since I was a kid in Rochester, NY I have a little garden.  I watered it everyday.  I'd sit on my porch enjoying my flowers and waving to passersby.  It made staying at home during the pandemic more bearable.

But now, it seems like Portland's beautiful summer and fall have abruptly ended.  Last week wind storms started.  It was like a hurricane without the rain.  The huge pine trees bent in half as the wind roared through.  The winds encouraged forest fires.  

Now the air is very still and filled with thick smoke.  Sweetsie and I can't sit on the front porch or go for walks.  Poor Sweetsie keeps bugging me to walk her.  It's actually so bad here that even opening the door to let her outside is difficult.  The smoke and burning smell is so strong.  My flowers are suffering without my attention.

We are lucky here that we just have the smoke and not the fires.

It's dark in the mornings.  My cat, Stella is letting me sleep later.  As I write I'm sitting under my daylight lamp.  Otherwise I'd probably stay up late into the night and sleep until the afternoon.  I want to keep my circadian rhythm normal.

My hobbies keep me motivated to get up and moving every day.  My mother always thought that my sewing was a strange hobby.  But, it certainly is helpful now.

I finally learned how to use my sewing machine's walking foot.  It's easy and really helps with sewing knits.  I'm working on getting a t-shirt to fit me.  I have a small frame and big bust.  Finding a nice fit in ready-to-wear is difficult.  I've already made one using a Pamela Pattern.  It isn't quite right so I've tweaked the pattern and cut out another shirt.  I plan on finishing the shirt today.  I'm using a different knit fabric so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this one turns out better.

My timing isn't always very good (eg. using the crosswalk when a bus is being driven by an inept, irresponsible driver).  However, when it turned out that I had to get my heat pump moved because of my home remodel, I decided to have a Halo unit installed.  https://www.rgf.com/products/air/reme-halo/

I was thinking that it would be a good thing to have because of the pandemic.  It cleans the air with ultraviolet light killing viruses, bacteria and filtering the air from dust, smoke, etc.  So I'm a lucky one in Portland now.  My house doesn't smell smoky!

September 10, 2020: My house remodel, Part 2

 Guess I got out of the habit of blogging.  3 years of not being able to express myself in writing has changed me.  I think about what I'd like to say but that's as far as it goes.  I'm going to attempt to do better.  It's healthy - makes me feel connected and chases negative thoughts away.

My House Remodeling Part 2

BEFORE: The front of my house:

AFTER:

I have enjoyed my new front porch so much!  Sweetsie loves sitting out there with me. 

I even planted a little garden in front of the porch.  Fuschia are in containers on the porch rails.

I had my front door painted in dark pink last year.  This year I decided that the garage door should match.

People who walk by compliment me on my pretty house!

The driveway used to be full of broken concrete.  I had a new larger driveway poured.  An addition of a basketball hoop over the garage gives Kenny his own practice court.

August 5, 2020: Life is a Crap Shoot

And sometimes what you get can be pretty crappy.

Ten years ago was my tenth wedding anniversary.  We had hoped to travel to cooler climes on our anniversaries.  But in 2010 I was recovering from knee replacement surgery.  

In 1969 I was in an automobile accident.  The collision spun my car around and then hit a huge tree.  As a result my left kneecap was shattered.  The pieces were surgically removed.  The kneecap functions as a fulcrum to the lever formed by the long leg bones.  Its removal results in a 33% permanent disability.

The disability worsened as I aged.  I saw an orthopedist who told me to wait as long as possible for a knee replacement.  I waited until I was 59.  He replaced the knee joint but could not replace the kneecap.

So, in July 2010, when Rice University's classes were out for the summer I got my new knee joint.  It was wonderfully successful.

My husband and I celebrated our tenth anniversary at the restaurant in Hotel ZaZa.  We spoke about how we would have a vacation the next year to celebrate.

But, by our 11th anniversary on August 5, 2011 my husband had become quadriplegic as a result of a fall in November 2010.  He also had sustained a severe brain injury.  

Shortly after our anniversary in 2012 I found out that he had proposed and given an engagement ring to his young Mexican caregiver.  He told me he didn't love me or even like me anymore.  We were divorced in 2013.

I love to celebrate holidays, anniversaries and birthdays.  Today is no cause for celebration though.

My house remodel, Part 1

I had lots of remodeling done to my house after I finally got my settlement with the bus company.  Mostly I worked on making my home more handicap friendly.  But, also I had other work done just to make me happy,

My she shed

I wanted to build a laundry room in my garage.  I had to walk down steps and go into my garage that was usually extremely cold.  But, first I had to move all my stored stuff out of the garage.  I had a shed built in the backyard.  On the outside it looks like a cute "she shed."  Not so cute on the inside - just shelves with christmas and halloween things plus lots of other stuff.

 

before

I now have a laundry room with shelves for canned goods and supplies, a freezer, a pegboard with tools, a utility sink, litter box, a small work table along with the washer and dryer.  I had a pet door installed so the dog and cat can go outside.  So far, neither of them will use it - too chicken!
I had hoped to put a fabric cutting table in it, too but not enough space.  So I still have to use the kitchen table.

I had a ramp installed from the laundry room door into the garage.  I put groceries, etc. into bins and load them onto my old wheelchair and roll them up into the house.  Wheelchairs are great for moving stuff.  They can hold lots of weight and don't tip over easily - much more user friendly than a dolly or cart.

I had pegboards installed above the handrail on the ramp.  Here I hang garden tools, shopping bags, brooms, etc.  I found some skinny shelves to put in the garage along the other side of the ramp.  I put things that I can easily grab when I'm on the ramp - canned drinks, paper towels, water bottles.

The view of laundry room wall from the garage. 
Of course, I hang artwork in my garage!

My house is still tiny but the space is much more useful now.

2020-07-10: Positive from Pandemic

My family isn't so busy anymore.  There are no birthday parties, little league games, ballet practice.  The kids have just a few playdates with one or two families.

That's my good news!  Now they have time to spend with me.  I get to see them a couple times per week.  I've been having them over for dinner on Sundays.

I had a basketball hoop installed over my garage.  My grandson loves basketball.  The whole family bikes over to play hoops.  My granddaughter doesn't enjoy the game so much.  She and I spend time together watching cartoons or doing crafts.

It's been wonderful.  After all, I moved to Portland to be near them.  Of course I do miss seeing my Portland friends.  I joined several organizations here and I miss the in person meetings.  Now we zoom.  I'm a member of North Star Village, the American Sewing Guild, Columbia FiberArts Guild, CFG Wearables group and The Time Travelers' Costume club.

I miss all the things that everyone else misses - going to restaurants, movies, shopping, traveling, get-togethers with friends, etc.

But I remind myself of the positive within the tragedy of the Covid pandemic.

My grandson, Kenny

My granddaughter, Miho

BUS HITS PEDESTRIAN IN SIDEWALK, Portland OR

I show up - on the ground - about one minute into this video.

This is a video of a bus running a stop sign and the driver not looking to the left as he turned left. I was in the crosswalk and the bus ran into me. I was terribly injured. It happened in May 2017. The bus company fought hard not to have pay me a dime for my pain and suffering, even though they admitted it was their fault. It took over 2.5 years until I received any compensation. The bus driver had rear ended a truck just the week before he hit me. An ambulance had to be called for one of his passengers. The bus company (Trimet) allowed the driver to keep on driving until he hit me. Then they let him quit instead of firing him so he would have a good employment record. I wonder in which city this negligent driver is operating a bus now.

FINALLY FEELING FREE

3 years ago I was in the crosswalk with my dog, Sweetsie.  A full sized city bus ran the stop sign and smashed into me.  I've had 2 major surgeries and 2 stays in nursing homes as a result of my injuries.

IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH!  Instead of just going ahead and doing the right thing, the bus company (Trimet) fought with me when I tried to get compensation for my injuries.  I had to file a lawsuit against them.  My lawyer advised me that everything that I wrote online- on any platform - was open to Trimet.  Three years ago I wrote on my blog that I painted my whole house pink.  Even though I was still dependent on a walker to move around she told me that Trimet would interpret that against me.  They'd say that if I was well enough to paint my house then I wasn't really injured.  Of course,  I didn't do the painting myself!  What would I have done - climbed a ladder with my walker?  In order not to have my blog used against me I stopped writing it and closed access to it.

I stopped using Facebook for the same reason.  Anything I said would be used against me.  I stopped emailing friends because they would ask me how I was doing. If I said I was working hard to get better, then Trimet would claim I was just fine.  For goodness' sake, I wasn't fine.  Their damned bus crashed into me.  There was even a video of the accident to prove it.

Not being able to communicate with my friends back in Houston was crushing to me.  I could telephone them.  But,  I had so many people that I used to communicate with online.  I fear that I have lost those friends.  It's been over 3 years since I've chatted with many of them.

Trimet made me a low ball offer after a year and a half.  If I had accepted that,  I would have received zero compensation.  If you win a lawsuit after an injury,  the first ones to get compensated are the insurance companies.  Anything insurance paid for as a result of the accident would have to be reimbursed to the company.  Then the lawyer gets a third of the settlement if any monies are left.

Therefore,  I had to continue my fight with Trimet so I'd at least get some compensation for my pain - physical and emotional.  There is an Oregon tort law protecting Trimet.  There is a cap on compensation that they have to pay in a lawsuit.  It is not nearly enough.  The more they fought with me the more I wanted them to have to pay the cap.

Besides not having freedom of written speech, I didn't have freedom of movement.  At times there were private detectives watching me.  That didn't bother me so much.  The injuries had already taken away my freedom of movement.  I still have to use my walker when I take my dog on walks.  The rest of the time I use a cane.

On August 13, 2019 I had a deposition with Trimet.  I had to sit at the same table with the bus driver who didn't bother to look both ways and not stop at the stop sign.  He didn't look at me during the deposition.  No apology from him.  He had had an accident the week before he hit me.  He rear ended a truck and one of his passengers was taken away in an ambulance.  But, he was allowed to continue driving.  After he hit me Trimet didn't fire him.  They let him quit so he would have a clean employment record.

Finally in November 2019 I was awarded the cap of compensation.  I ended up with a bit more than a third of the total after reimbursing the insurance companies and paying my lawyer.