Tuesday, March 10, 2015

March 10, 2015

I used to wonder over and over why my ex-husband betrayed me so horribly.  He had some serious problems before we met.   My therapist said that Jim lost his way again after his accident.  That I had been his moral compass.

A friend of mine who is a psychologist finally gave me a theory that made some sense to me.  I had told him how happy Jim had seemed in the hospital and the nursing home. In the hospital and nursing home he received lots of attention - from nurses, doctors, physical and occupational therapists, plus he interacted with the other patients. And I was there with him many hours each day also.

Once he returned home he was faced with the reality of his situation.  I continued to go to work, care for the house, do the shopping, etc. as before.  He was at home except when he went to rehab.  Even my mother was doing more than he could- walking around with her walker, reading.

I was saddened by the change in our lives but I was getting help with a therapist.  Jim used to tell me that our problems were my depression.  He was just fine, mentally, according to him.

My friend said Jim was exhibiting depression as he came to terms with his new lifestyle.  He needed help with every little thing.  His depression led him to find someone to blame (me) and turn to the new people in his life - his daytime caretakers, especially the young Mexican girl, Claudia.  She was happily taking care of him while she was getting paid.  I found out that she used to be a stripper and a hooker.  I don't know whether she told Jim about her past or not.  Somehow she tuned in to Jim's past sex addiction problems.  She manipulated him and he was a very willing victim.  Eventually he gave her an engagement ring and thousands of dollars.

People that I meet now and hear some of my story seem to assume that our marriage had been unhappy before the accident.  That isn't true.  We both were very happy.  As the paramedics carried Jim out on a stretcher in November 2010, he told me that the last ten years had been the happiest years of his life.  He was afraid he would die before I got to the hospital to be with him.

Now my years of being with Jim seem kind of surreal.  I run across a picture of us together.  We were smiling and doing things together.  I can remember the time when the photo was taken but it seems like it was during a whole different lifetime.

This has been a giant leap forward for me.  The pain is getting much less.  Of course, the passage of time has been a great help.  But, my friend's advice gave me the biggest boost.  It makes sense with what happened.

The events were unimaginable and horrific.  They made me fully aware of my powerlessness.  I can make some life choices according to what happens to and around me.  I do not consider myself so self important to think that the things that happen to me happen for a reason.  The world has and will continue to go on without me in it.

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