June 4, 2016

This morning I woke up at 6:30 AM.  It's Saturday and I don't need to be awake yet.  Bad dreams woke me up.

It's 5 and one half years, why do I still dream of my old life?  Should I up my dose of antidepressants?  Or should I suffer through it?  If I suffer enough, will it go away?  That's my dilemma today.

Everyone I speak to tells me to get over it.  If it were easy, I'd be through with it by now.  My current problem started with Bert telling me something like - "but, you didn't love him."  He doesn't get it.  He seems to think that since I was so hurt, my loss wasn't that big.  He talks on and on about his dead wife.  I listen.  When I tried to share my feelings he doesn't listen

I could go back to my therapist, Stella.  She'd listen.  Maybe that's all I need.  But, first, I'm writing it down.  That might be enough.  It's worked in the past.   My poor blog has turned into a moaning and groaning story.  It started out as a way to share about what I make and how to make it.  I do keep making - it gives me purpose.

I wish I could get back to my "making" sharing blog writing.  There really is no going back.  Have to keep moving forward.

I think about moving to Portland.  Everything would be new to me.  No more places that hold so many memories.  Would that be what they call in AA as the "moving cure?"  Would I then dream about Houston and all the memories it holds?

It's been raining and flooding in Houston for months.  Perhaps the dreary weather is the cause or part of the cause of my somber feelings.  It does cause me anxiety worrying about my house flooding or being stranded somewhere with high water all around me.

Portland would be new.  I can't talk about moving to Portland either.  Bert asked me if I would take him along.  I can't afford to support him.  My money manager told me that I need to keep working and earning money; that it's too early for me to retire.  So, I can't afford him.  I like being with Bert most of the time.  I wish he would stop saying "I don't feel good" everyday.  It's his mantra.  Whenever he has to do anything, like bring in the groceries, he gets cranky and whiny.  It's getting old.  Of course, no one is perfect.  Soon he'll have teeth and a driver's license.  Hallelujah!  It's only taken 2 and 1/2 years to get him moving on it.  Now I'm trying to get him to find his wife's 401k.  He "thinks" that there is one.  Oh my!