Saturday, August 20, 2011

August 20, 2011 PM

It's amazing how just a little sewing time makes my day so much better. After I made breakfast this morning, showered and pulled on the horrible hose, I sewed for a couple of hours. I finished my stuffed owl for the new baby.

Tomorrow I'm going to a sewing class in Clear Lake. I know it will be all about trying to sell me a new expensive machine but it's something I can enjoy doing by myself.

Eventually I'll be able to get Jim in and out of the car and we can go do things together again.

August 20,2011

Jim, Lupita and I were going to attend the Abilities Expo today. We all decided that we were sick of handicapped stuff so we're not going.

I rarely think about going anywhere or doing anything. I'd be thrilled to just spend time in my studio.

Yesterday I got up, put on my horrible support hose on and went to the grocery store at 8 AM so I could beat the blazing sun. It didn't have everything I needed. When I came home from the grocery store Mom was sitting at the table wanting to be fed. She was doing her "I want a drink" routine. I brought her orange juice and I told her that I couldn't face cooking eggs because I was so overheated from going to the grocery store, bringing in all the bags and putting stuff away. I told her that I'd make her a good lunch later.

Then I went to Walgreen's to buy what the grocery store didn't have and to get a prescription filled. I got home and had to get Jim dressed and ready for company. His friend, Kevin McGregor came to visit him.

I started to make lunch but I kept feeling whoozy. I told Mom I had to sit for a while. She said that I should rest a bit. But then she immediately started her "I'm hungry, I'm hungry" routine. She wanted me to bring her an orange. I reminded her that I had to sit down for a few minutes. Her demands drive me crazy. I guess you really do become a child again when you get old. She has gotten very demanding and self-centered.

I made turkey burgers and squash medley for lunch. I cleaned up the kitchen and then went to hide in my studio. I just didn't want to hear Mom's constant moaning and groaning for a little while. Jim found me and I had to help him with the urinal.

I went into my bedroom, laid down and passed out for a couple of hours. I knew that Lupita would be coming soon to take Jim to the gym. I just got all worn out. I think I'm too old for all this caretaking. I guess I'm lucky that we can still afford to hire people to help.

Then I got up and started making dinner and cleaning the kitchen some more.

Maybe I have to hire a sitter and leave the house in order to get some time for myself. I just am not interested in going out alone. Jim and I used to do so many things together and I got spoiled. Plus, it's over 100 degrees outside and my support hose make me super hot.

It's 8 AM and Mom is stirring in her room. Time to be starting the day again.

I told my boss, Carole that coming to the office was like a mini-vacation. Even copying books is preferable to cooking and cleaning.

Now I'm the one moaning and groaning! That's why I haven't been blogging much anymore. I don't want to write how I feel sorry for myself. But, it's my life so I document it.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

August 14, 2011: Sunday

We had a relaxing Sunday today. I can't believe it's almost over. I still have so much more that I want to accomplish.

Jim and I watched "Sunday Morning." I made another little scrappy doll while we watched TV. I think I make dolls when I'm depressed. The last time I was in a big doll making mood was the last couple years of my first marriage. I made a bunch of dolls during that period. Now I'm making little dolls out of scraps and bits and pieces of lace, ribbon, yarn, etc.

I guess it's a kind of therapy for me. I also knit a lot. In the early days of Jim's hospitalization Mary Haper came to visit. She noticed that I wasn't knitting. I was too distraught to do much of anything, other than be with Jim. I started knitting again after a couple of weeks. My grief therapist says knitting is one of the most calming activities one can do. Guess it's a good thing that I enjoy it.

I spent a lot of time organizing my chest of drawers today. I just threw things into it for all the months when I spent my free time at the hospital or nursing home. How come when you clean it's gets very messy before it actually gets clean? I probably left stuff all over the bed that I will have to put up before I can get into it.

I still suffer from a terrible sadness. I am grieving for my former life with Jim. Jim says that I'm taking his injury harder than he is.

Today I wanted to pull down a box from the closet. My first thought was to get Jim to help me. Then it hit me again - I'm the only one who can do anything. I'm the only one in the family who can take out the trash, get the mail, fetch the newspaper, make meals, buy groceries, etc, etc. It's a very lonely realization. It also is very tiring.

I need to go to bed.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

August 11, 2011: doctor's appointment

Lupita, Jim and I took a trip to TIRR hospital yesterday. Jim had his first follow up appointment with Dr Berliner. The doctor was impressed with Jim's progress. He wrote an order for more PT, a referral to get botox on his hands and shoulder, and prescriptions.

TIRR is such a sad place. There was a young father riding in a wheelchair while his wife pushed 2 little kids in a stroller. It's difficult enough to care for a quadriplegic alone. It has to be so much harder to take care of children, too.

I could not care for Jim alone, especially in the beginning. Last night his caregiver didn't show up. I was already tired from the busy day. Then I had to help Jim into bed. Putting Jim to bed is a big procedure. He wears special boots, hand splints, diaper and his C pap machine. I wasn't very good at doing all these chores and Jim got really mad at me. Thank goodness I'm on lots of antidepressants. In the past I would have shut down and not be able to speak for days. It's like being stuck in a giant bell jar - to use Sylvia Plath's analogy. I'm glad that I don't have to feel like that anymore.

All week at work I've had to move boxes & furniture, stand and make a zillion copies, go back and forth, upstairs, downstairs. Right now I'm taking a break.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

August 9, 2011

I don't go with Jim to his physical and occupational therapy appointments. Lupita takes him since she is able to get him in and out of the car. So, it's difficult for me to do progress reports.

Yesterday he told me that he did a little walking with a specialized walker. His left leg is improving. I wish I had some photos that I could share.

He still needs lots of help turning in bed. The bed is an air bed and it kind of squeezes him so that he can't move very easily.. He needs help to change his position.

He still is doing a daily bowel program.

Hopefully, I'll be able to do a progress report after his doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Monday, August 1, 2011

August 1, 2011: Mom turns 90 in 2 days!

I told Mom that her age made me feel old. So I've decided that I was a miracle child born to a 62 year old woman!

I'm trying to figure out how we can celebrate her birthday. I have to work all day on that Wednesday. By the time I get home Jim will be at the gym with Lupita. They won't get back until around 8 PM. Lupita says that we should tell Mom that her birthday is Thursday and we can celebrate that evening.

Then Friday is our anniversary. The same problem. Jim will be in the gym until 8 PM.

Now that I think about it I realize that these are good problems to have. It sure beats having Jim in ICU or fighting with the insurance company.