Wednesday, July 4, 2012

July 3, 2012: not a pleasant post

For the last week I have been barely able to make it through an hour without getting all teary-eyed.  Life has been especially tough right now but I thought I was handling it okay.

I've been doing all my survival tricks - distracting myself with games, organizing my studio, sewing, looking at Kenny's photo, petting my kitties, shopping therapy...It wasn't getting any better.

Tonight I went to get my bedtime meds.  I was removing all the lescol from the pill organizer box.  (My cholesterol level is so good that the doctor wants me to try giving up lescol and see what happens.)  I realized that the only pills left were just nexium and benadryl.  I don't know how long it has been since my last dose of cymbalta.  No wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed with sadness.

Once I realized that missing the antidepressant was the problem I stopped struggling to hold back the tears.  It's getting more difficult to just depend on good memories.  In years past when I had trouble sleeping, I would get up and go in the family room.  I'd watch TV or play on the computer for a while.  Most of the time Jim would notice that I was out of bed and he'd come in and keep me company.  That was so sweet.

Now I sleep alone.  I'm in the family room alone.  It's not anyone's fault.  Jim can't get out of bed and come be with me.  I went into his room and sat for a while with him.  He was sound asleep.  But I know that was a healthy thing to do.  I feel a bit better.

It is a constant struggle to keep ahead of the depression.  I need all the help that I can get.  I am overwhelmed.  Jim and I have  been living with catastrophe for over 19 months now.  It's really hard.  I know that I am the lucky one. We have both lost so much but at least I'm not physically paralyzed.

Life's a bitch.

It is somehow gratifying to know that other people have felt the hopelessness of depression, too.  There are so many mentions of it in literature.  I'm grateful that I live in a time when there is medical help available.

To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped, the world itself is a bad dream.  Sylvia Plath


Anonymous said...

Hi my name is YOLI, I am 47 yrs old and I am the primary caregiver for my 74 yr old father who has been Paralyzed (paraplegic ) since 8-01-09. I too struggle with the same sadness as you do. Prior to his accident my husband and 1 son where living happily in our 5 bedroom home. Things are totally stressful now. I understand your pain. I have never written on blog until today. Don't loose faith and remember there is always worse than us. I will post more info later.

Joanne said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. The stress of caring for a sick loved one is enormous. I am aware that there is pain worse than mine. That thought just makes me sadder--- what will happen next?

The tension at home is driving a wedge between us. It is so, so sad.

Please keep in touch. It helps knowing I am not the only one suffering through this.