This past Friday I worked for Carole. Nia told me to leave at 2. I went over to TIRR. Jim went on a little field trip with functional group. I sat and waited for him in the gym because I knew he had pool therapy at 3.
I was knitting while I was waiting. I kept looking for Jim. I looked up and thought I saw him walking in. It was another man, a therapist. He was about Jim's height and had his hair color. I immediately realized that it could not possibly be Jim. It felt like the whole catastrophic event occurred again. I started crying and went to the ladies room. I thought I had cried it out. But, I started up again when I was back in the gym. One of the therapists asked what was wrong. I said "my husband is paralyzed." I was going back into the ladies room and Jessica saw me and asked what was wrong. What could be more wrong?
I have only seen one other woman cry at TIRR and that was in the introductory meeting during Jim's first time in TIRR. I can't believe that I'm the only one grieving. Today I watched a mother and father taking care of their brain-injured son with smiles on their faces. I've seen mothers with small children pushing their paralyzed young husbands in wheelchairs.
Maybe I'm just too sensitive and too empathetic. The pain surrounding me at TIRR is like torture. I want to see Jim. Once I'm with him, I'm usually okay. He said he couldn't understand my feelings emotionally.
I told Lupita and she said she understood.
It is so painful every time I walk through TIRR's front doors. It is unbelievable to me that Jim is a patient there. The security guard greets me cheerfully when I walk in saying "have a nice day!" I haven't had a nice day in over 6 months. One time the receptionist said "have a nice visit." I thanked her and said I really appreciated those words instead of the usual nice day remark.
This has to be a nightmare. It can't possibly be happening to me and Jim!