Friday, February 11, 2011

February 11, 2011: Too Much for One Person

Yesterday morning was my son Kevin's and my brother John's birthday. Kevin called me from Tokyo at about 7 AM yesterday so I could talk to him on his birthday. I told Mom's sitter, Martha to remind Mom that it was John's birthday and to call him.
I left and drove through heavy traffic and got to the office a few minutes late. I called Andy to remind him that it was his brother's birthday. We spoke for a couple of minutes. Andy never asked me about Jim. He wanted to know what I was doing for myself. I told him that I was planning to attend a sewing event on Saturday. Then he told me about the rings he bought for Nina and himself. "Life is great" he said and wanted me to agree with him. I told him that sometimes it is. I didn't want to have this discussion again so I told him that I had to start working.
I worked until 2 PM and then I had to leave to go to the dentist. The dentist said that I have decay under one of my crowns and bone loss around the tooth. I said okay to go ahead and schedule its removal and replacement with an implant. But, then he asked me about my family. I just lost it. I started crying and couldn't speak. I passed out a couple of my cards with my blog address. If people are really interested they will check my blog. It is just too painful for me to discuss my life.
I drove to the nursing home to visit Jim. I was so tired by then. I haven't been sleeping well and I just have so much to do. I fed him dinner. Luckily the good CNA, Lolita was on duty so I didn't have to do everything by myself. We put on his night boots, pulled him up and turned him in bed. I made him more sugar free lemonade and filled up his pitcher. I couldn't stop yawning - his room is warm and stuffy because he is always cold. Jim wanted me to stay and take a nap. But I just wanted to get home. It would have been a very expensive nap since I would have to pay Mom's sitter for that extra time.
I got home and spent some time with Mom. She went to bed and I checked my email. My sister-in-law, Dawn sent me a terse note that she was angry that I hadn't told Mom to call John on his birthday. I went down to Mom's room, turned on her big light and woke her up. I dialed John's number and put the phone in her hand. After she spoke to her son for a couple of minutes she was done. I've been angry at my brother. Andy spoke to him a couple of days after Jim's accident. He told me that John said he was happy to speak to someone "sane." So, I haven't bothered to speak to John since then. But, yesterday I took the phone and wished him a happy birthday. We spoke for a long time. John listened to my problems. I guess it felt good to him to talk again. It was nice to feel connected again. But I need a lot more help than that.
I'm faced with a future of caring for 2 invalids by myself. Isn't life "great?"

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