Friday, February 11, 2011

February 11, 2011 PM

I'm home early tonight. Jimmy and Lupita showed up at the nursing home around 4 or 5. I was going to work on the taxes with Jim. Since he had company I decided to come on home.

I was afraid to leave actually. I'm so depressed. When I'm not with Jim I have a difficult time functioning. Depression is a kind of paralysis. So, it's another thing Jim and I have in common. (that's a joke.) But I seem to be okay so far tonight.

I was crying when I got to the "home" today. The CNA Florence just couldn't believe I was crying. She asked me what happened. OMG! I was at a nursing home visiting my paralyzed husband. Isn't that enough?

People love to tell me that things could be worse. That makes it all the more difficult. Why would thinking about more horrible crap happening make me feel better? It's irrational.

I'm going to a psychiatrist on Monday. I need better antidepressants. I've been taking a low dose of zoloft for years. My regular doctor has been prescribing them for me since my old doctor died. I need something stronger. I need to be able to function.

I'm pretty proud of myself for finding a psychiatrist and making an appointment. It's not all that easy to find a shrink who will take insurance. I'm doing my best to take care of myself so I can continue taking care of Jim and Mom.


Sara said...

You would have plenty to cry about whether you had clinical depression or not - I get so mad at people who don't understand. I hope the doc can get you a med that works better for you - sometimes the body adapts to one SSRI and doesn't respond to it - another med will work better than.

Anonymous said...

Hi Joanne,

I just saw you on 'That's Clever' and googled you to see some of your other fabric work (i caught a glimpse of some gorgeous tops on camera!).

Anyway, google brought me to this page. I wanted to let you know how sorry i was to read about your husband's accident and what you and your family have been through.

You say in your post that you are proud of yourself for getting help. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you too...for all that you are doing for your family, for taking care of yourself, for understanding Andy, etc.

It has been some time since you posted...i hope things are better now. And I hope that you don't mind that I posted this without even knowing you, but I really wanted to say this to you.

Love those Pink Poodles!

Take care,

Joanne said...

Karen, thank you for your kind words. You really brightened my day.

Joni M. said...

It is hard being a caregiver. I did so and held down a full time and a part time job. I also coped with feelings of guilt and people thinking I was being selfish sometimes. My husband was a T11 incomplete since 2003. Sadly it wasn't the paralysis or any complications from it that got him but the COPD he had the last year of his l ife. He passed away this past December. But the road you're traveling I have been down. It's a bumpy one and well meaning folks sometimes say the most ridiculous things trying to be helpful. Gee I hope I am not one! Hang in there. I am in Houston also.